14 years and counting...

October 24, 1998

14 years ago, two very young people stood in front of their family and friends and declared their love for each other.

It is still amazing to me how God directed our paths to each other. We met in Mexico on a missions trip. I never tire of our story--how God took two unlikely people and knit them together.

I am a horrible romantic and the depth of feeling I have today is hard to describe. Thankful. Grateful. Amazed. Deeply In Love. Joyful.

I have tried to write three versions of this post. I simply can't find the words. They fall short, they're trite, they're too easy.

Marriage isn't easy--we've both had to learn a bunch. How to hear the other's heart. How to say no to ourselves and yes to the other. How to speak with honesty, compassion, and acceptance. How to fight fair. How to let go of cultural norms and cling to how God has crafted us and our marriage. How to ask hard questions and make harder decisions. How to follow God's voice in a noisy world. How to grow, both as individuals and as a couple. How to fight for us in the midst of life's distractions.

There have been trials--my health, stresses from workplaces, job changes, raising kids.

But there is so much joy and laughter. There is nothing more lovely than sitting on the couch at the end of a long day, sharing some wine and our days. Watching our children be goofy and lovable and kids. Knowing that they are feeding off the love we show each other. Stolen moments. Unexpected adventures.

I have been more than blessed to be married to a man who loves me as much as I love him. He's compassionate, kind, ever-learning, creative, and giving. He works hard so I can stay home with our kids. I think he gets more and more handsome as the year pass. I can't believe that I am so lucky (although I know that luck has nothing to do with it!)

Part of our wedding was that we had to choose a passage for a sermon. Ours came from Song of Solomon (8:6-7). And looking back, I realize it was a beautiful choice for us to declare our love for each other to the world.

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.



This is my beloved. This is my friend.
Song of Songs 5:16

Eric, I can't wait for the next years of our journey.

I love you.
S

Now what?

So I have finished a first (very rough) draft of my book. It's a fiction novel that covers the life of a woman from the mid-1940s until the mid-1960s. It's a tumultuous book without a ton of hope or redemption. The first draft came in a 99,300 words. I am currently working on the rewrite (which I think is harder than the first draft). There's a lot to do yet for this book--for it to be good, to be finished, to be published.

But now, I am wondering, what do I write?

I have perused my writing journals for the past four years and realized that I've been telling this story in varied forms for the past 4 years. It needed to get out.

But now that it is told, what should I write? Really, I have no idea.

Should it be another fiction story. I'm not sure I have another one in me. Should I work on those two non-fictions that have been rolling around in my head? I don't have enough experience to write those. And truth be told, I don't think I'm very good at non-fiction. Should I focus on blog writing and building my platform (that's an idea where writers increase their base so as to show publishers that a potential book would have a market. I buckle against this a bit)

From what I've heard, most writers have more than one project going at any one time. Some even jump from project to project depending on their mood.

I don't have any other projects.

And I know that I already miss the creating aspect of writing. It's only been three weeks since I finished my draft and I am aching for the joy of creative writing, for discovering where a character is going to take me, for following an action out to it's furthest consequence. I miss storytelling.

I'm not any further ahead than I was at the beginning of this post. But now at least, you know as well. You're a creative bunch, got any brilliant ideas? I'm open to suggestions, if you have any!

Going gray...

Gray hair is a crown of glory;
it is gained by living a godly life

Sigh.

I'm going gray.

And not just gray as in I-found-a-few-stray-gray-hairs-on-the-side-or-the-back-of-my-head. No, I mean gray, as in a nice large swath of gray hair smack dab on the middle of the front of my hair line. It's about a a nice square inch of gray hair in the middle of my head of brown hair. Right on my part line. And it's the hair that frames my face.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind going gray. I'm sorta resigned to it. I'm pretty sure my mom had a head full of salt and pepper gray by the time she was 40 (but she colored it dark black until after I got married).  My sweet husband has had gray hair since he was 16. So I don't get a whole bunch of sympathy.

What I don't like is that it makes me look old. On a particularly tough day, I can look positively haggard. I get called Ma'am and get sympathetic looks from random strangers.

And I'm 35. I'm not ready to look or feel old. And I believe that gray hair can be absolutely beautiful.

I've seen it on my friends who are just now crossing into their 40's. They have a smattering of gray around their temples. I have a friend who's hair is regularly styled, and her stylist is able to hide her cute little gray streak.

For the past year or two, I've started coloring my hair, ever so little. But let's face it, I'm pretty lazy and it costs money we don't have. So, I'm trying to decide....what do I do about this gray?

I did a quick Internet search on attractive ways to go gray. And all the advice was for the 50 and up set. For the 30 year old graying set, the suggestion was essentially this: get it colored.

And where this takes me is to this place: I want to feel beautiful, every single day. I want others to think so too. But the beauty I want is internal. I want my beauty to be Holy beauty. I want to shine the radiance of Christ's love so brightly that the color of my hair or the makeup I don't wear or the simplicity of my clothes doesn't matter.

And that's my prayer. I tend to pray it a little more when I feel insecure--like the gray in my hair determines my worth as a woman, like when I feel that culture norms that I don't fit, like when I don't know how to feel about this gift that God has given me. So it's a prayer I pray often these days.

But the question still remains, what do I do with this hair?

The Rest of Life

I don't want anyone to be under the false impression that all I do is sit around my house and brood about the adoption. To be completely honest, I try not to spend too much time thinking about it at all (keeping the mind busy). But also, I have a great and full and wonderful life.


Hey guys, can I take a not-goofy picture of you?

And since everyone everywhere is talking about back-to-school, I thought I would gush about Back-to-Homeschool!

Yep, I said 'gush.'

Why? Because even though it's hard and busy and time-consuming and mentally challenging, I still love it. I love spending time with my kids, helping them learn. I love watching them grown and develop. Although, I would honestly love to let another person focus on all the character training, it is part of my responsibility.

And I love what we learn. We have a full docket this year and I want you to hear about it. I've spent a great deal of time thinking, praying and planning for this year--and you should know. (Part of it is because for some, homeschooling is still not a legitimate form of education. I want you to see that for me, and many others, we take this stuff seriously.)

So this year we're learning:


Olivia at her desk.

• All about the history and geography of the 19th century (read: 1800s--westward expansion, colonialism, slavery and the civil war, industrial revolution). I could go on and on about how much I love history, but, I refrain. . .
• Writing, grammar, spelling, journalling,
• Bible study on Missionaries and the Gospel of John
• Chemistry (at the kid's request--and I'm a bit excited.)
• Art--following the Impressionist and Modern artists of the last two centuries
• Math--all kinds of math. Seriously. Three levels of math. Math that I now have to actually read the teacher's manual in order to know how to conceptually teach it.
• And Kindergarten--who could forget all the fun stories and hands on projects of Kindergarten. I'm thrilled to be in Kindergarten for the 4th time in my life. I'm enjoying it much more now!



Josh at his desk

• P.E.--yep, gotta have that component. You have to learn the rules to games like basketball, soccer. And you have to learn to run laps!
• Oh, and field trips! I'm super excited about all the field trips we have scheduled for this year!

Lest you think it's all about academic work, it's not. It's also about:

• Working and living and being together, A LOT!
• Helping each other out in times of need.
• Learning to work independently.

  

  Katie at her desk

• Life skills--working in the kitchen, personal responsibility for your own stuff, cleaning, laundry, errands, running a household.
• Oh, and fun! We try to have lots of fun together!

Homeschooling has just become part of our lives, how we live and shape our family. And for all the struggle, it has been good. Our family has grown, I've grown (probably me the most of anyone).

And now for the obligatory pictures!

I took this pics on our second day of school. (why not the first you ask--mostly because we hadn't gotten our new back-to-school outfits and we all look sorta sloppy.) As it was, not everyone was particularly thrilled about pictures. (Can you tell?)

3rd Grade

2nd Grade

Kindergarten

School Photo

Finally, a great picture of my goofy kids!

Status Report Mr. Spock. . .

This blog has been silent a lot lately. 

So I thought it was time to break silence with a bit of a status report. 

But let's back up a bit to see where we are. Exactly 17 months ago, Eric and I decided to go forward and begin proceedings on a sibling adoption from Lesotho. We are still currently waiting for there to be a matching meeting where our dossier will be matched with a waiting sibling set. We have no idea when this meeting could be. It could be next week, could be next year. 

About 10 months ago, Eric was asked to consider applying for a new job. He did--got the job and started it at the end of April. 

Since these two things have happened (or not happened), our lives have been turned completely upside down. There really is no other way to describe these past few months. We've combined the major, life-changing actions of job change with the emotional up-and-down process of an adoption. We have been totally changed, yet I have a difficult time explaining exactly how. 

About the time that we were considering the new job, I heard a song that changed my perspective. This job came with a significant cut in pay. As we were struggling with what that would look like, I heard this song (Choose song #7--Enough) by Shaun Groves. 

The text is from Proverbs 30:7-9 and reads like this:

Two things I ask of you, Lord;
    do not refuse me before I die:
⁸ Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
    give me neither poverty nor riches,
    but give me only my daily bread. 
⁹ Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
    and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ 
Or I may become poor and steal,
    and so dishonor the name of my God.

And in that moment, that was my prayer, that whatever happened we would have enough. Primarily, at that time, my concern was money. Just enough money to pay our bills and pay adoption expenses. (Side note: my dad once told me that such prayers were foolish--now I understand what he meant, not to not pray them, but that they often have results that we could never imagine.)

But instead in these months of transition, waiting, uncertainty, and change, God has given us only enough of everything. 

• Enough failure to make us dependent on Him and each other;
• Enough (barely) sleep and coffee to make us function;
• Enough hope (but not much) that someday this adoption will actually happen;
• Enough friends and family supporting us to know that God has hands and feet to carry us when we need it; 
• Enough money to meet our requirements (but my definition of enough seems to be more differ slightly from God's).

And we've been fortunate to have our eyes opened that in some powerful, life-changing ways, he's given more than enough:

      -More grace and forgiveness than I have ever deserved

      -More blessings in the form of the love & joy of my family than I had ever realized

So what's our status? To be honest, we're hanging in there. Some days are smooth and easy, some days we want to throw in every towel we have, hunker down inside our home and close our ears and eyes to the world, some days we want to quit--because waiting is hard and emotional and there are no easy answers, no clear paths and life was easier then. 

How are we going to make it? Simple, we wait--wait for God and his provision and timing and grace. We wake up each morning and thank God for the day that we are given and use it to his glory, whether in the workplace or in our home. We pray for ourselves, our family, and our kids waiting to come home. We keep our eyes open to the magnificent ways God blesses us in every single season, day, hour and minute (even when we don't always understand). 

And we will remember, no matter how we feel, that God is a good God

All the time. 

Got Affluence?

Sometimes I am able to ignore it.

And sometimes my affluence and privilege smacks right in the face.

It started when I was in college and read "Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger" by Ron Sider. And I righteously raged about the fact that the middle schoolers I taught in middle school each had more than one pair of $100 shoes. But now, I know how quickly $100 slips through my fingers. Honestly, it feels like it is gone before I can blink.

Although I try to ignore it, the fact of my (and my family's) affluence has lately been smacking me in the face, forcing me to take notice. And it's really uncomfortable.

A few weeks ago, we had a 7th birthday party. It was a doll tea party. 5 out of the 7 girls had American Girls Dolls--some were hand me downs, some were saved for over a long period of time, some were gifts, but the fact remains that in my circles, people have enough resources to have $100 dolls. I can admit that we have 3 of these dolls.

Yesterday, I spent 2 hours putting stuff away to get my house ready to have someone clean it. Problem one--I have so much stuff that I had to spend 2 hours to put it all away (and I still didn't get it all put away). While I can try to justify the about of stuff in our house, it is simply true that we have a lot, more than we need. And then (problem two), I was cleaning up so someone could come in a clean for me. I have the luxury of "not cleaning" and allowing someone else to do it.

Finally, when we accepted a new job for Eric, we made a huge financial trade-off. We took a significant pay cut for the health of our family (more family time, better hours). And it has been wonderful. Except that we are now trying to live within this new financial reality. It's been tough. We've made cuts--no more cable, tightened down on spending, trying to sell a car. But really, we haven't had to choose between feeding our family and paying our mortgage. We have plenty. We're tremendously blessed, yet we 'struggle.'

However, I am painfully aware that there is a mom somewhere in the Sahel region of Africa (google it) who will tonight go to bed with children whose stomachs are distended with hunger. That she will only be able to give them a scant cup of food rations tomorrow. That the chances that her children will die from this hunger are painfully real. I know there are families who are so destitute that they have sold children to slavery or prostitution.

Now, I can already hear some well-meaning responses "not to feel guilty." I agree, I shouldn't feel guilty, God has given our family these gifts. However, it is good to be bothered. And I am bothered in my soul. And I am bothered about a number of things.

And it matters.

It matters because money was something Christ talked a lot about. He said it is hard for the rich to enter into the kingdom of heaven (and I'm beginning to understand why). He praised the widow who gave away everything she had. God's economy favored the poor, the needy, the downtrodden.

If I care about Christ, I care about what he cared about--I pay attention to his economy. It affects how I spend money, how I think about money, how I live.

I don't have any answers. I don't know how to live Christ's economy in a place where money slips through fingers like water. I don't know how to help that mother in Africa and I often feel that what I can offer isn't nearly enough to affect real change in our world.

I have come to the conclusion that my being bothered is right and good and true. And God can use this bothering to further his kingdom.

What is it that bothers you? How do you come to terms with it?

Accepting a Challenge

Last week, my writing partner-in-crime went on vacation. And she forwarded on to me a number of "blog assignments." Even though I love her dearly, I am only taking up one of the many challenges. But it's the scariest one, by far. 


She gave me the:

Lucky Me. 


So, this is a writing challenge: to look into my current manuscript and put a very random part of it out there. Here are the rules:

Here’s what’s required:

• Go to the 7^th or 77^th page of your work in progress.
• Go to the 7^th line of the page.
• Copy the next 7 sentences or paragraphs. Remember, they must be as they are typed.
• Tag 7 authors.
• Let them know they’re it.

So this is one of those challenges that I am going to try--and it's super scary. The writing you are about to see is unedited. It has never seen the end of my red pen. I wrote it about a couple weeks ago. I write with a 'closed book' meaning that I am not apt to show anyone what I write until it's all the way done. Except for this little bit. 

You are about to see what's on page 77. Starting at the 7th line. And you're getting 7 paragraphs, because it's dialogue. If it wasn't dialogue, you wouldn't be getting so lucky! 

Easy? Well, for you it is. You just have to read it. And it's not going to make sense at all! 

So let me set the scene. It's early fall in 1946 in a living room at a farm in Wisconsin. Len & Antoinette are fighting about their daughter, Del, who is about to come down the stairs and make a life-changing announcement. 

  "She has to get up soon, Len. She can't keep moping around.
I don't want to keep doing her chores."

     "Patience, dear. She's suffering a great grief. Give her a
bit of time."

     "Time! I've given her four days. How much time does she
need?" Antoinette voiced bitterly. "I'm not surprised, you know.
I don't know how she convinced him to go out with her in the
first place. He's much better than she deserves."

     "Antoinette, she just found out from her father that her
boyfriend proposed to her rival. She's dealing with enough hurt
without your critical words."

     "Is it really true?" she asked in the grocery store gossip
voice, "did he really propose to Susie Hudson?"

     "Yes, and he even had her father's blessing. The Hudson's
couldn't be more pleased with the match." Len leaned forward in
his rocking chair. "That boy toyed with and broke my daughter's
heart. I could kill him for that. Wring his neck like a little
snake. . ."

     "Come now, Len, there's no need for such angry words. I'm
sure it isn't his fault. I'm sure Del did something to deserve
it."

I would tag other authors, but I don't know any others with a blog (that they admit to!). So you get the privilege of reading and savoring. 

Lucky you!