2014--A Year in Books

"A simple wind of despair will easily break them. What must we do, my friends?"
All the faces in the crowd became serious.
"We must live in the radiance of tomorrow, as our ancestors suggested in their tales.For what is yet to come tomorrow has possibilities, and we must think of it, the simplest gift of the possibility of goodness. That will be our strength, that has always been our strength."
         --Ishmael Beah, "The Radiance of Tomorrow"

I'm beginning to think that I can tell a lot about my year by the books that I read, particularly the quality of the fiction and the topic of the non fiction. And also by the type and quality of the books I started, but didn't finish.

But the quality of my fiction I can tell if I wanted to work hard to get into a good book, whether i had the wherewithal to stick with it--or if I just needed to escape in an easy read.

The topics of my non-fiction speak for themselves. There's been a lot to learn this year.

And the books I haven't finished. These titles grieve me a bit. As in, I started it, enjoyed it for a night or two, but found that it was work and easily slipped back into something easy (those were often the times that i "had" to read one of the books the kids wanted me to read). I think a goal I may start with are the books I didn't finish this year.

Also, I don't know about you, but as I set out to choose/read books, I try to vary the topics and authors and perspectives that I read. Some of my titles were chosen with that in mind. But others were chosen just because that's what looked good on the library shelves.

A few notes before I start.
(YA) means Youth Fiction--but it's still good stuff. Sometimes I read it because my kids are reading it sometimes because it's fun.
A bolded title means I really, really loved it. And if you have a chance you should too.
And for the benefit of those really out there books, I provided a brief description (mostly because that's what I put in my own notes.)

2014 in Books

• Beautiful Fools--R. Clifton Spargo (A fictionalized account of the the last affair of Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald, set in Cuba, 1939)
• Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, & lead--Brene Brown
• A Wrinkle in Time (YA)--Madeleine L'Engle
• A Long Walk to Water--Linda Sue Park
• Sister of my Heart--Chitra Banerjie Divakaruni
• Song yet Sung--James McBride ( I couldn't put this one down. Interesting voices and topic)
• Still Alice--Lisa Genova
• Orphan Train--Christina Baker Kline
• State of Wonder--Ann Patchett
• Sycamore Lane--John Grisham
• Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend--Matthew Dicks (A book from the point of view of autistic Max's imaginary friend.)
• Parenting a Child with Sensory Processing Disorder-Auer/Blumberg
• The Husband's Secret--Liane Miorarty
• Revolution (YA)--Jennifer Connelly
• Rescuing Julia Twice--Tina Traster
• Written in My Heart's Own Blood (#8 of the Outlander Series)--Diana Gabaldon
• Radiance of Tomorrow--Ishmael Beah (READ THIS BOOK!)
• I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings--Maya Angelou
• Where'd you go, Bernadette--Maria Semple
• The Bitter Taste of Time--Bea Gonzalez
• The Bookseller of Kabul--Selerstaad
• Feed Me, Love Me--Katja Rowell, MD
• Tim Gunn: A guide to Quality, Taste, & Style 
• Your Fathers, Where are They? Your Prophets, Do They Live Forever?--Dave Eggers
• Blink--Malcom Gladwell (Non-Fiction about how we make split second decisions)
• The Language of Flowers--Vanessa Diffenbauch
• The Invention of Wings--Sue Monk Kidd
• Caleb's Crossing--Geraldine Brooks
• Artemis Fowl (YA)--Eoinn Colfer
• Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind--Ann B. Ross
• The Invisible Bridge--Julie Orringer (A WWII book from a Hungarian point of view. Haunting in a different way)
• The Light Between the Oceans--M.L. Stedman (Primarily set on a remote lighthouse island--This is a sad book)
• Wonder (YA)--Palaccio
• Choosing to See--Mary Beth Chapman
• The White Princess--Phillippa Gregory
• This is How you Lose Her--Junot Diaz
• The House on Mango Street--Sandra Cisneros
• Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe--Todd Wilson
• I Saw the Angel in the Marble--Davis

The Books I started but didn't finish:

• Guardians of Ga'hoole: The Capture (YA)--Lasky
• The Day the World Ended at Little BigHorn--Marshall III
• Unglued--Terkeurst
• Sing Me To Heaven--Margaret Kim Peterson
• A Sand County Almanac--Aldo Leopold
• The Undertaking--Thomas Lynch
• Lies My Teacher Told Me--Loewen
• Flora & Uylesses (YA)--DiCamillo

So that makes my total: 39 books completed. 10 Non-fiction, 29 fiction, 4 Young Adult.
(I didn't include my repeat reads--I may be guilty of re-reading Harry Potter and Percy Jackson books. A Couple times)

Here's to a great year in books. Typing this list brought many remembrances. To me, that is the mark of a year well-read.

Happy New Year to you and yours.
S

A Half-finished thought...

[Full Disclaimer: I started this post on Sunday. Then I put it aside to add pictures later. And now it's Tuesday night and there are still no pictures. If I want you to ever read it, it'll just have to be the words!]

It's gotten quite bad lately. The kids have started to chastise me when I loose track of a sentence.

"Mom, what were you saying?"

I whip my head back toward my original intention, pulling my attention away from the one who stole it in the first place.

A blank look crosses my face. "Uh....I forgot."

Or I start to sweep the junk off the floor under the table. I make a nice little pile. I go to find the dustpan when someone needs me or I get distracted or something happens. And I totally forget about the sweeping and the pile of dust and food crumbs waiting in the middle of the floor. Until some child (or I) step through it and spread it everywhere again.

And that seems to be the story of this past year.

It's been the year of unfinished thoughts, projects, intentions.

As I type, there are four Christmas gifts that I cannot finish while the receivers are out of bed.

Looking on my bedside table, there are a couple books that I started, but have never finished. Not because they aren't great, but I just didn't. (Honestly, the ones I haven't finished have all been non-fiction.)

At my feet in the office, is a stack of soon-to-be discarded rough drafts of my novel, which although received so well, has stalled (and died?) in the middle of a major revision.

Throughout the year, I've started diagnosis/medication paths for children, to have them go nowhere.

I've started life changing conversations, only to not be able to have the time to finish them well.

A box of half-addressed Christmas cards sits on the dining room counter. (Consider them New Year's best wishes.)

If there has been anything that has characterized this year, it is the un-finished-ness of it. The things I haven't been able to follow through on, the things I've started, but not yet completed.

I want to think that this is a phase, that there will come a time when everything is completed, where projects and thoughts and intentions are brought to fruition. But I don't think it's going to be for a while.

So the question i have, how do I live life well in the middle of this: life unfinished, rough cut, unedited? I'm sure there is wisdom and patience to be found even in the midst of these stops & starts.

I'll go look for it in just a minute....


[If you've gotten this far, then let me wish you the merriest of Christmases, full of the traditions and events that warm your heart, the quiet moments of reflection and pondering that refuel your soul, and a reminder that our greatest gift isn't wrapped under the tree--He was born in a stable. Blessings. -S]

Foodie Fail

I spend a lot of time thinking about this blog: what's it's focus should be, what I know a lot about, what I'm passionate about.

And I think I stumbled on something: food.

I love food! It's so yummy. I like to prepare and eat it. I'm not big on presentation or pictures of food. But that's a skill I could learn right? Food blogs are a big deal: I spend a great deal of time gleaning my recipes from other food bloggers. I'm sure the world could use another one.

And I like to think about food--but not in the way that you think. Food has the power to change a life: to make one sick or make one well.

And food inequality.

And real food versus junk food.

And how the poor often don't have access to quality food.

And the difference an adequate diet has on health and learning and thriving.

The piece de resistance: how much food we waste. A recent report I heard on NPR said that our country's food waste is equal to our waste of paper and plastic combined.

This statistic has certainly borne itself in our home. Last year, as a science experiment, we kept track of our trash output for an entire week. What we found was humbling: about 40 pounds of waste (which includes the amount that we recycle). But of that total, about 1/3 was food waste. Of course, that included peels and ends and a chicken carcass. But it also included the remains of the cereal bowl, the gross remains from the fridge, the second helping of dinner that was put on a plate, but not eaten. One third!! 13(ish) pounds of wasted food. That's disgusting.

I was sickened.

So, as I thought about a blog, I thought, "I could do some stuff with food stuffs that we would generally waste. Find a useful and yummy way to prepare it, so it wasn't wasted." Wouldn't that be great?

Luckily, my wonderful neighbor often picks up bulk foods for our family. This week I got a huge bag of bananas. They were still perfect, just a bit spotty. Delicious. But I also know that there was no way that our family would finish eating them before they turned bad. There is already a significant number of bananas and mush waiting in my freezer. (Honestly, putting more in the fridge would just be my way of wasting by not wasting. I probably wouldn't use them).

Looks good going in.

Then I had an epiphany. I stumbled across a recipe for homemade banana chips. Sure, they aren't the family's favorite, but I could spruce them up, toss them in homemade granola, right?

So I heated the oven, prepared the pan, and sliced the bananas. To add a bit of 'extra.' I made a mixture of cocoa powder and sugar and sprinkled all over the banana slices.

Doesn't this sound yummy?

I let them bake for almost two hours--I wanted crispy little pieces of banana.

When I took them out, they looked...okay. Then I tasted one. It was gummy. No worries, I thought, they just need to cool. Gave them a few minutes to cool. Try again. Weird and gummy. "Well, maybe it was just that one." Try a smaller one, a bit crispier. Hopeful. Taste. Nope.

I let them sit on the counter until Eric came home. "Hmmm, those look interesting." One taste. The look on his face was confirmation. This was a food fail. Two pans (and a couple bunches of bananas) went straight into the trash. My attempt at not wasting...sigh...resulted in wasted food.

The lesson in all this: I don't think I'm going to be a food blogger. It was fun for about 10 seconds.

It was more fun and challenging and real to think about how we use food and what we waste and our part in the system. And how much we take for granted. There has to be a niche in that, right? For me and my thoughts?

But next time I have extra bananas, I'll just stick to banana bread & muffins.

I kept sampling because I hoped that maybe they would get better.
They didn't.

Maybe you've noticed,

My house has become a bit lighter in the past few weeks.

No, if you've been here, you probably wouldn't notice right away.

It's a bit vague, but I can tell, in every room that I've terrorized, I walk into it and feel calm. The cupboards close, drawers are not overstuffed, every thing has a place--a file, a basket, a drawer, a holder.

It's as though I've had an invisible hand pushing me through my house, forcing me to ask the usefulness of the things that are in it. I've been through parts of my kitchen, the entire office, the craft supplies upstairs and my sewing stuff all over. We've even started cleaning/sorting/selling/purging things from Eric's shop.

Part of this stems from the fact that we are drowning in stuff--meaningless stuff. I know this problem is not unique to our family.

But lately, I've been asking myself some tough questions: what does the stuff in my house say about me? (And since we're studying archeology and ancient history) I wonder, if we abandoned our house and someone came to study us by what was left, what would they decide? And, in the final analysis, is this really all that important?

By and large, I've been able to free myself by freeing my connection to things I thought I would need again. The couple years of Cooking Light and Eating Well magazines, the CD games that we haven't played since the kids were born, the leftover documents from our adoption.

This hasn't been an entirely cheerful process. I've come face to face with my wastefulness and my lack of follow through. Today, as I cleaned through my sewing stuff, I found a pinned and cut-out dress pattern that all of my girls are too big for. It is humbling to realize how much I have and how little I really need to be content.

But, on the plus side, I discovered stuff for two Christmas presents. One of which I can complete in a day or two--and will be the best gift for a daughter who loves to dress up.

So maybe, you might want to do this too--to be freer to live instead of tied to your stuff.

Let me tell you where I started: with this list from the becoming minimalist.com. Their main idea is that you don't have to live on nothing, you could probably make due with less: less vases, less mis-matched cups, less meds. It simply gave me permission to start, to not feel bad for having too much, and to get rid of stuff that was too much. (And no, I didn't need 10 vases--I whittled it down to the five I use most. Do I really need five? Probably not. But this is a journey and I'm at the beginning).

Next, I've also worked hard to find good places for my stuff. Just because I don't need it doesn't mean that it would be a huge help to someone else. In a few instances, the things that I am purging have been perfect for another's need. I love that: God's provision at my obedience.

Of course there are the good old standbys, Goodwill and the Salvation Army. In our area, there are about 25 non-profits that re-sell as well. Find one whose purpose you admire and go with that. Of course, you could always go the selling route: craigslist or whatever. But that created more hassle for me--so not for this clean out.

But here are some fun organizations that i have found.

Now that my kids are past the baby blanket and 10,000 stuffed animal stage, SAFE (Stuffed animals for emergencies) will clean and redistribute those items to fire & police departments, hospitals and other first responders to be given to kids in a time of crisis. There may be a chapter near you.

Old electronics waiting for recycling

In our area, the local county recycling plant accepts a huge amount of electronic material for recycling. Like old VHS and cassette tapes, VCRS, broken handhelds, old CDS, and random cords. I would much rather them be salvaged and re-used than just sit in a dump for the next 10,000 years.

This last one is one that I am a bit conflicted about. I like the idea, but it has issues. There is an organization in California, Donate your old Shoes, that accepts used shoes and redistributes them throughout the third world. It was started as a small project by a family and has grown into something bigger. On the one hand, I like this. Our shoes aren't worn out, they are just grown out of. BUT, I understand that it's not good to just give my old crap to someone in need just to make me feel better. That person has dignity and deserves respect, not my crap. In the end, it was too expensive for us to justify, but, hey, maybe it works for you.

Maybe you can help me too. I have extra office/school supplies: three-ring binders, file folders, rubber bands. They need a new home. I can't use them. (Like seriously, two full boxes of decent-shape, various-sized three-ring binders) Who needs them? Who wants them? A school? A non-profit serving the city? A church? An after-school organization?

I have to admit, I never quite finished the office. And right now it's covered in the pen stuff that Eric is selling, but even in this frenzied state, it's calmer than ever before.

And I could get used to living like that.

Room to breath

Josh--5th grade

For the first time in a very, very long time, life feels good.

It's not perfect, but good.

My bedroom has been clean for more than a week. Nary a pile has been left on the floor in that entire time.

The basement, which is usually the pit of junk and despair, has maintained a rather neat appearance for almost two weeks.

I've had moments where I thought, huh, I have nothing immediate to do right now.

What has brought about this new, most wonderful state of mind?

Two things (and you bet I'm going to tell you about them):

Katie--4th grade

1) In my homeschool, the big three are mature enough learners to not need me to hold their hand as they work through their assignments. I don't need to look over their shoulder to watch every math problem or listen to anyone sound out each agonizing word. In general, I can give assignments and help as needed (and sometimes, not at all needed, which is a new feeling altogether). Having a 5th, 4th, and 2nd grader means that I am past the most intensive, hands-on times of learning and into much more interesting and fun discussions and connections and projects that don't make me want to pull my hair out.

Also, as we planned this year, we built in significant breaks for me. I love my kids, but need a bit of space. So, every Monday they go to 'school' with a bunch of other homeschool kids and do all the fun stuff that I totally ignored (let's be honest). They build friendships, are challenged in a school setting, and round out their education in one day! Last week, OG kept speaking in Spanish to me all afternoon. And J dismantled an object today to get at the electronics of it. Life without teaching phonics is wonderful!

Olivia--2nd Grade

2) The biggest improvement (Glory, hallelujah!) is that Mali is in preschool--EVERY SINGLE DAY--from 8 until noon. She is in a great classroom with a teacher who is willing to work with us to teach and parent Mali well. And in her classroom of 15 kids, she is not the only one with brown skin, which in itself is beautiful to me. So for these four hours every day, we all get a little space from each other.

I have to admit, that as a homeschool mom, I had beautiful but naive pictures of our family cuddling on the coach reading stories--and in this way our new daughter would assimilate into our family. But the truth of the matter is this: I have a daughter from a hard and traumatic place. It is hard work to be her mom, it requires patience, diligence, and a special set of parenting skills. She needs structure, and clear order and expectations. And while I can do that in some ways, our homeschool doesn't work that way. She needs structure and order and direct teaching in order to overcome her gaps and become the best Mali she can be. And I can't provide that for her. In this way, in a new way, I've learned, it really takes a village. Although no one is going to do the hard attachment work that we are in the midst of, Mali needs all kinds of love and support, from many people.

Mali--Preschool

And don't be mistaken that just because everything is going well that we don't still struggle with sibling rivalry and attachment issues and bad attitudes and defiance, special learning challenges and anger.

But there is much more peace, calm, laughter and even, dare I say it, moments of Joy.

We have travelled a long journey in the past year and half.

And after tears, my own anger, questions, I can truly say this:

I am blessed woman.

We are that family. . .

But not the one you are thinking.

There is a blog that I've run across a few times that proclaims that "they are that family" but what follows is encouraging words, uplifting statements about family and faith, and cute little anecdotes about family. Sometimes a hint or two at how to do this or that task. Generally, it's an encouraging place to visit.

However, we are not that family.

Close-up

These past few weeks have been a journey into humility--not with giant sized troubles, but with nearly-constant, ever-nagging mistakes.

Like not sending your son to a soccer event in his green shirt--and he's the only one not wearing it.

Like the sloppy, wispy-haired, I-can't-do-much-better-with-that-colic bun in my ballerina's hair.

Like blowing the grocery budget every single time I shop. (Curse you, Costco!)

Like forgetting a picture of our family for the preschool classroom for two weeks. And I'm supposed to provide snacks for every day this week. The pressure is almost enough to make me crack.

Goofy on purpose

Like being about two minutes late for everything. Sometimes people are surprised when I show up on time. And even once, I had never been late and I was congratulated for not being late like the previous week.

We are that family.

The one that tries really hard, but always falls short.

Not quite ready for a picture

And this, just now, I realized that the casserole has been in the oven for a half-hour, but the heat hasn't been on for it.

A day late and a dollar short, always.

The budget is always tight, the house is always cluttered, I almost always look mean or angry or frazzled (Thanks gray hair and forehead creases).

Always ready for a picture

But oh, I want to be that family--with beautiful athletic people and gorgeous family photos that reflect the perfect life we lead. I was children who love each other and a beautiful marriage and deep, personal relationships with God (which should involve at least daily family devotions and hour long personal quiet times).

I find myself caught between my expectations of myself and the world's expectations for me. Usually, I am resilient and accepting of who I am. (My house is just going to look lived in, because we live in it. My clothes are older and worn. My kids are...kids).

But these days, it hits me in the gut and drags down my spirit. Why? Because I am trying so hard to do it right. I want my son to experience success and friendship and teamwork on a club soccer team. I want my daughter to excel in ballet, if that is where her heart leads her. I want them to learn and feel joy and love and serve and offer compassion. I want them to be the best them they can be. But the best them involves me letting go and allowing them to be chastised for the bun that falls out or not wearing the right uniform piece or not finishing their homework.

But then for a moment I stop and God whispers into my heart.

He whispers, "Peace."

These beautiful four.
They are my heart.
And perfect for me. 

Then He reminds me of something I still have difficulty fathoming. He says, "I gave exactly the family I wanted for you. I am molding everyone in your family into my image. I'm using your failures too."

And He gives me glimmers in images that make me forget the failures.
Laughter that takes away the sting.
A hug that removes the crabby.
A compassionate act or loving gesture.
A kind word.

And my eyes are opened to the fruit that is growing in all of us, even among the weeds at the Beuker house.

A Race, Relationships & Redemption

Yesterday, I took part in a fundraising 5k/2k for Beautiful Gate Lesotho. You would think that it would just be a race and in some ways it was. There was Rocky music playing (and a bit of AC/DC), cups of cold water, homemade signs, and medals for the winners.

But it was unlike any race that I have ever participated in.

Because this happened:

Maletsatsi with Aussi Christina

And looking back 20 years, as a girl just entering her senior year of high school, I could have never imagined this kind of day. I was a girl whose life was in turmoil. A few precious relationships were ending and I wasn't sure about anything anymore. What I did know was that there was a guy who lived in Michigan and a God who had big plans.

I'm pretty sure I lived off of Jeremiah 29:11 that year. It sustained me. But the plans that God had, or so I thought, included a highly successful writing career. 

And as I travel the twisty road that has been my life, I see how God has twined amazing and unexpected things together to create, namely, a picture of his plan of redemption for me, for our family, for Mali...and prayerfully, for many others. 

And in a beautiful twist of fate it all came together in the most remarkable morning yesterday. 

It started my freshman year of college. I was far from home, felt really alone and hadn't made many friends yet. I wasn't from the area around my school so I didn't have established relationships like so many other people I met. I took Biology 101 that first semester and then joined a classmate, Lauren, for lunch. I tagged along as she met up with a group of friends from her floor. Sitting at our table was another girl who was equally an outsider. And I threw food at her. 

Yep, the beginnings of a life-long, life changing relationship was cucumber and green pepper slices. 

A year later that same girl, Anita,  gave me a bunch of tulips for my 20th birthday and asked if I would be her roommate the next year. 

We weren't the closest friends. There was a third girl, Meika, who would join us after she returned from her semester in Egypt. I was intimidated by both these women. the one who was coming back from Egypt, well, would I have anything in common with her? She was so exotic and cool.  

My level of nervousness still amazes me. God was knitting together something amazing. Yet none of us had seen it yet. 

The next year we added two more roommates, Julie & Cindy. One whom I liked, the other I didn't. (In fairness, Julie didn't really like me either. But we've worked through that.) But I got married that year and went off to start this new life that I thought wasn't supposed to include these four women. Everyone else got married too--and we all started our lives.

Meredith--from that first amazing small group
Photo credit: A Beautiful Race

We bought our first house and within a year, Anita and Bryan bought the house across the street. We still maintained separate lives, I worked at our church and they had a phenomenal small group. We met and knew and shared life with both Bryan and Anita's family--spending time in Ludington, game nights.

Katie, Hannah, Erynn, and Aaron
All grown up & Racing
Photo Credit: A Beautiful Race

And the five roommates somehow managed to remain connected: weekends in Ludington, in depth Bible studies, our kids knowing each other. (Out Bible study was a crowded place. There were a lot of kids between us: Josh, Katie, Olivia, Aaron, Hannah, Erynn, Megan, Eli, Faith, Mercy, Chloe, & Maryam).

Josh & Mali
Photo Credit: A Beautiful Race

And during this time, the summer of 2009, I felt an incredible burden to pray for a woman I didn't know and a child I didn't know would be mine. 

Terp & the girls cheering racers!
Photo Credit: A Beautiful Race

But again, our ways parted when they moved out to Zeeland and started to attend a new church, Haven. Through that church, Anita fulfilled a life-long promise to herself to go on a mission trip. So in October 2009, she flew away to spend time serving at Beautiful Gate Lesotho. On that trip, she developed new life-changing friendships, particularly with Terp (Christina Terpstra). 

Within months, Bryan and Anita received and accepted the call to direct operations at Beautiful Gate Orphanage. It was just a few months later that I met the phenomenal Terp. And after a blink of an eye, the Geurinks moved their family halfway around the world. 

God continued to knit and weave and twist the relationships around me. I met and got to know a member of the Geurink's first, excellent small group. I reconnected with the one roommate whom I didn't like so much back then, but now, is one of the first people I would call in a crisis. The second is that exotic roommate from Egypt. 

 

Mali & Terp
Photo Credit: A Beautiful Race

And somehow it all culminated yesterday in a race supporting Beautiful Gate Lesotho, the orphanage where Mali lived and where the Geurinks direct operations and Terp is the North American Ambassador. Because Terp was one of the people who gave love to my daughter while she waited for us. Because no one knew this girl would be our daughter. Yet they loved her anyway--so much, that Mali trusts Terp, totally and completely. 

Because at that race were life-long friends and family of the Geurinks, new BG supporters in Holland/Zeeland area, parents who were waiting to adopt, Terp and people who love and support her, other adoptive parents. I met a woman waiting to meet the children God has for her in Lesotho. 

Me
Photo Credit: A Beautiful Race

And the quilt God has made of my life continues to be woven. He's adding depth and layers and relationships and friendship and love. 

I'm not for one instant proposing that the race yesterday had anything to do with me, it was a fundraiser for a great organization and 63 beautiful kids. 

But, for me, it was my life, full circle. It was redemption. It was what God had done in my life in the past 20 years--which I never could have expected. It was the way he brings people together. It was healing from my brokenness and the journey of healing for my daughter. It was people who loved me and people who loved her, before I ever knew she was mine. It's about strangers who care for the needs of other strangers. It's about the hands and feet of Jesus, about caring for the lost sheep, about calling the children to Him. 

It was God's crazy plan in action and view for the whole world to see. He's taken each of us, individuals He created, and made something beautiful. 

And I'm humbled to be a part of it. 

Michael & Yang Feng

Olivia at the finish line

Cindy & Daryl

Julie & Hannah

Josh--looks impressive, doesn't he? 

Katie & Eric 

Some contemplatings

Lately, I've had time to think and when I do, I always think in the form of what I would post on this blog. Silly, I know, but in my head, I've had about 10 really great ideas for fun/quirky/heartfelt/reminiscent/reasonable blog posts.


So instead of busting my butt right this moment to get every single great thought down on paper, I thought I would list out the titles of said posts along with a blurb and you can tell me which ones you want to read.


They are listed in order of nothing. Just random thoughts.


Strength and Dignity--the aging process is real, but trading in the grasping for beauty for strength, wisdom and dignity. And chopping wood gives you a strong back and great arms!


Freeze Frame--for the first time ever, I looked at all four of my kids and wanted to freeze them right now, in their stages of childhood before I loose them to growing up (which is happening faster than I would like).


This is how much I love her-- As a homeschool mom, there is a certain amount of can-do-it-yourselfness that I have. But I love my RADish daughter so much that I am sending her to school. Here's why.


What I learned about parenting on a cross-country vacation--Truly, it was ugly. Full of moments I'm not proud of.


End of school 2014/Beginning 2014


The Elusive shiftiness of "Calling"--I've often struggled with what a call looks like in my life: to do something big and different and change the world. To seek justice. To walk with mercy. To serve those with great needs.


A New Kind of Mommy Guilt--I'm not one to struggle with such things, until it comes to adoption and attachment and all the things that we didn't know.


Meeting Baby June--yep, we went to Utah to meet our new cousin. It was fun--and there are lots of gratuitous baby pictures. But also prompted a lot of thought about babies and parenting and attachment and beyond.


A Novel Update--Things have happened and haven't. Betcha you're curious as to what. And maybe you know someone who could help me.


So, I guess if you're being technical, that's only 9. Oh well. Someday I'll get to writing them. A bit sooner, if you'd like. Or anything else. Sometimes what's hard on a blog is that I don't know that the mundane parts of my life are interesting to others. Can I share something that would be an encouragement to you? Let me know, I'd love to try.


Blessings.

The Marathon

I feel rather contemplative lately.

Maybe it's the end of a school year.
Maybe it's that Mother's Day and Father's Day surround the trip where Mali was added to our family.
Maybe it's that sun and warm temps encourage me to think positive, thoughtful thoughts.
Maybe it's because I realize how very far I've come.

Thoughts have been swirling through my head about this crazy, wild ride called adoption, both what we expected and what it has been.

I shake my head at my own level of naivety. I can hear my younger self (because I have aged more than just a few years in the past year) telling people, "Oh yes, adoption will be so great. We've been called to it. The kids are ready for adding a sibling. And we home school. Is there any better way to build a family than by spending our time together and cuddling on the couch reading books?" I shake my head in embarrassment.

I thought I'd be so much farther: a model for trusting God and peace written across my brow. I had unrealistic images of a family bonded by true love and trust. I imagined myself a vocal advocate for adoption and for the one million orphans.

Instead, I tremble in knowing fear as I listen to those I dearly love consider what we are walking through. I pray hard and encourage such prayer for those who've adopted from foster care, an older child, a tramatised child. I'm not ready to encourage someone into what has happened to us. But I can say that we haven't walked alone. Jesus was walked next to us each step. He's heard my cries. The Holy Spirit has been present in this home, even in the midst of day-long, multiple tantrums from multiple people, myself included. God has provided answers and glimmers of light in the darkness.

Our therapist likes to use a marathon as analogy for this attachment/trauma journey. And lucky me, I've run one, so I know exactly what it's like. The thrill at the beginning. Settling in for the long haul. There are a couple times when you're able to grab a pit stop or a slice of orange or a sip of gatorade. And these little breaks keep you going.

Until you hit The Wall.

At 20 miles you start to loose sight of those you were running with.
At mile 22, you look around and you are completely alone. On a long lonely stretch of asphalt. You know that there are at least 2 miles before you see people again.

Alone.

And you hurt all over. All you want to do is lie down and quit, but you know that if you do so, you may not get back up. Walking hurts more than running and every step is searing itself into your muscles.

You have to keep going. I have to keep going.

But then, just when you can't take another step, you're cursing yourself for ever thinking you could run a stupid marathon, there's a glimmer of hope. An encouraging voice, the sound of cheering in the distance, the end in sight.

What's my point? I don't know. These are the things I've been thinking of lately.

Adoption is hard. God is faithful.
Amen.

The days are long, but the years are short....

My dearest Mali May,

One year ago, this happened:

Gotcha! May 15, 2013

May 15, 2013, you walked into the conference room at Beautiful Gate. And into our family. (Well, technically you were a Beuker in late April, but on this day you became 'ours.')

I remember you walking in with your head held high, such bravery on your face. It seemed like only a few moments passed before you plopped yourself onto my lap. To me, not knowing anything about you, you seemed so sure of yourself. You knew that we were your 'family', whatever that meant and had resigned yourself to your fate. 

I remember that on your first night in our family, you didn't cry and only one tear leaked out. That broke my heart. Since then there have been many, many tears (and a couple tantrums ;)). But also lots of hugs, laughter, smiles. 

One year later, here we are. 

You have grown so much. Physically (10 lbs/6 in. in 12 months), emotionally, and socially. There's been so much to learn: English, American food, the winter that never ended with snow and cold, new routines, new toys, how to be friends. 

You, my sweet one, have been so very, very brave. You had no idea what it meant to belong in a family. The rules, the structure, the siblings, being dependent on 'Mom' and 'Dad'. There is a lot of hurt in your past. You're still learning to trust, what it means to share people and know safety and love. 

And I'll confess, this has not been easy for me either. I've had to learn how to be a new kind of mom. I've never been an adoptive mom before. I didn't know how to earn trust that had always been implicitly given to me by my other kids. I still learning how to earn love from a broken heart. I've wanted to hide from our struggle so many times, but you would always draw me back to you with that bright smile, your deep need, that brilliant laughter, a simple statement of trust. I never knew how much trust was spoken with a head resting on a shoulder until it took 10 months to earn it from you. 

I'm trusting that now that our first year is behind us, we only have hope in our future. Hope for sweet smiles and deep laughter, hope for shared secrets and quiet, honest moments together, hope for unity as a family and trust from mother to daughter.

Someday, you're going to read these words. And I want you to hear my heart. Despite everything we've been through this year you are a forever part of this family. 

I love you, I will never stop loving you. 

Momma

Easter Sunday 2014

A new kind of Parent

(Let's here a cheer for the single blog post for March!)

One reason this blog has been so quiet is that much of my energy has been devoted to being a parent. Specifically, becoming a new kind of parent.

A parent to children with special needs.

Discovering the depth of need in the one in whom it was expected.

Realizing that there are other great needs in one not expected.

My past months have been filled with therapy appointments, referrals, parent meetings, result meetings, home testing, inquiry phone calls, and questions. Lots of questions.

I've been learning lots of new words and abbreviations: IEP, Language delay, OT, Attachment Therapy, Sensory Integration, RAD, ADHD, and neuropsychology, and whether or not they apply to my kids.

These months have brought me to my knees in a new kind of way. There are things in my kids that my love can't heal. I can't fix it. There is a fundamental way that the brain is not working. And it rips my heart apart as I realize the ways that coping is now beginning to fail them. God has incredible plans for them and has provided an array of professionals & friends with amazing skills that are walking with us through this.

Just today, I received the results from an evaluation that I agree with--everything in it rings true, the professional is not making things up. And I want to cry. To see the words "difficulties", "well below average", and "decreased skills" associate with my beautiful, insightful, sensitive children just hurts. I want to wrap them into a cocoon and make it all better. Take away their challenge and struggle and make life easier.

Accordingly, I am becoming a new kind of parent. I'm asking a whole lot of questions. I'm not ready to assume anything anymore. I really don't care how uninformed I look, but I need to understand everything so the best decisions possible can be made. What worked for one child in terms of parenting, schooling and discipline doesn't work for another child.

Also, before you respond: "I don't remember any of this from when I was growing up," I would agree. I knew no one who went to therapy that long ago, but there were always those kids: class clowns, loners, someone who just didn't fit in. Kids with needs have always been around, it's just that now we have names and therapies that help.

Regardless of what was true then, this is true in our family now. And I'm pretty sure that many other parents have been in this same place. It is real. I will name it and help my child handle it appropriately. However, I don't want it to become our family's crutch. Giving a label and understanding is important, but it is simply a step towards healing.

I have great hope for our family's future. With constant prayer, appropriate guidance and therapy, and a lot of really hard work, I know these little brains can be healed. God has great things in store for each of us. The lessons I'm learning, well, they aren't the easiest, but they are good. Because God is, all the time.

And it's the new kind of parent who really focuses on that.

One Year ago..

One year ago, we waited anxiously by the phone. Our stomachs were in knots. We could hardly function.

And waited..

And waited…

The future of our family was being determined in a meeting halfway around the world.

And by the end of the day all we had was a name and age: Maletsatsi and she's 3.

Within a few weeks we had one picture:

Oh my word, what a year does!

And in the past year, I have been asked a few questions. Some of them have been, well, amazing (but not in a good way--Why did her mother give her up? Does she have contact with her?). Most of them have had to do with Mali's history--which frankly, is none of a random person's business. Of course, I understand curiosity. But no, I'm not telling you about her biological parents or why they could no longer care for her.

However, in the midst of all the intrusive questions, I have been asked a few really great ones. But the best on came about two weeks ago and warmed my heart.

"I have a family member traveling to pick up their toddler in a few weeks, given your experience, how can I best support them?"

I have to be honest with you, I almost cried.

Attachment and adjusting and becoming a family with a new little person is gut-wrenchingly hard work. If anyone tells you otherwise, they're lying. Not only that, but it takes a really long time. We're still in the throws of attachment and healing.

So, if you know someone traveling soon or has added someone to their family through adoption, international or domestic, and you want to support them, I have a few words for you. (And this could be true for almost any family--we all need a little support from time to time.)

First, some physical things to do:

• If they're traveling, make sure they come home to a spotless house. And fill their fridge and freezer with food. We walked in the door and knew we had dinner in the fridge. It wasn't fancy, but it was perfect. We ate, showered, and went to bed. From there on, we were blessed with food and gift cards for food. One less thing to worry about. 
• I had two friends who did similar yet different things and I am still grateful. One friend committed to coming over for a few hours once a week to do whatever I needed. She usually brought a meal for my freezer. She usually did laundry or cleaned something, then she just sat with me. Another came over from the farmer's market a couple times with fresh raspberries and flowers. It was a total surprise and appreciated. I still choke up when I think about how those two served me. (thank you, friends)
• Want to help, but don't want to cook? don't have time to spend at someone's home? No biggie. There is a real way you can help. Money. Cold Hard Cash. I'll tell you, adoption is expensive. But God laid it on so many hearts to bless us with money. That cash made it possible for us to not worry. $20, $50, or $100 dollars can go a long way when you add another mouth to feed and body to clothe. 

The physical aspects are way easier than the emotional ones. But here's the short list of things to be emotionally supportive when someone brings home a child.

• Listen, without judgement. Some of my ugliest emotions and greatest faults have made themselves known in this past year. Don't judge me for them, love me through them. 
• Offer childcare/respite care--but adhere to every single crazy rule they tell you. Parenting an adopted child is different than a biological child. 
• There may be things going on in their home that you will never see. Emotions are hard and draining and well, emotional. If you see an outburst, let the parent do what they need to do. (if you have a strong enough relationship you may able to ask about it, but if not, please don't pry.) If you never see one, let me promise you that they are real. Believe them and the exhaustion of the parents. 
• Pray hard. I've become convinced that Satan hates this: adoption, redemption, love in action. We have been attacked in our marriage, we've struggled in numerous areas of our family life and even work has been affected. And long after a child comes home, after the newness has worn away, pray still. There are still days when I am so discouraged, so convinced of the error of our life that I want to quit and run away and hide forever. Yes, the darkness has mostly passed, but that doesn't mean it's gone forever. 
• Finally, if there are other children in the family, be a special person to them. We all agreed to this addition to our family, but watching those three struggle has been the most heart-wrenching part of our journey. 

Of course, this list isn't exhaustive, nor does it apply to every situation, but it's what's on my mind. And I'm sure it applies in situations other than adoption. 

What about you? Do you have some helpful words for a friend wanting to support a family member through a transition? I'd love to hear them!

A year of books--2013

It's a tradition now. 

For the second time in a row, I attempted to write down every book that I read throughout the year. 

I was more diligent in recording books, including the books I read to advance my professional life, my parenting life, and my faith life. 

I'm sure I still missed a few, but I think I did better this year than last. 

Before I give you my list, I want to point out this one thing: It's not up to my standards. I didn't read the quality or quantity that I wanted. So if you peruse this list and discover a bunch of cheap, easy or YA reads, it's because I needed escape this year, when I had the energy to read anything at all. I did start a bunch of more thoughtful books, but found that I didn't have the brain power for it. 

Enough excuses, here's the list. 

Sammy's year of books--2013

(YA books are Young Adult books--generally written for teenagers, however, many of the YA books have rather grown-up content)

(I have bolded the most memorable books. If you can, read them. However, they aren't all easy or nice. Some are rather disturbing. But memorable.)

Dovekeepers--Alice Hoffman

Room--Emma Donaghue

7--Jen Hatmaker

Life of Pi--Yann Martel (reread)

The Paris Wife--McClain

Home--Toni Morrison

Redeeming Love--Francine Rivers

The Girl who Fell from the Sky--Durrow

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows--Rawling

Gold--Chris Cleaves

Unconventional Lives--Kody Brown and wives

The Year of Magical Thinking--Joan Didion (okay, I started this, but it's the story of her grief after the sudden death of her husband and daughter's two near death experiences-I began to imagine I had cancer--time to put the book down)

A Reliable Wife--Robert Goolrick

Kisses from Katie--Katie Davis

Gregor the Overlander (YA)--Suzanne Collins

Half the Sky--Nichoilas D. Kristoff & Sheryl Wundunn

Wild--Cheryl Strayed

The In-Between World of Vikram Lall--M.G. Vassanji

Between Shades of Gray (YA)--Ruta Septys

Septimus Heap (YA)--Angie Sage

     -Magyk Bk 1

     -Flyte Bk 2

Admission--Jean Hanff Korelitz

The House Girl--Tara Conklin

The Widow of the South--Robert Hicks

The Divergent Series (YA)--Veronica Roth

     -Divergent

     -Insurgent

      -Allegiant

Self Editing for Fiction Writers--Renni Browne

Gone Girl--Gillian Flynn

Raising Dragons (YA)--Bryan Davis

Fly Away--Kristin Hannah

Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation--Michael Pollan

The Sun also Rises--Ernest Hemingway

The Fall of Five (YA)--Pittacus Lore

Nefertitti--Michele Moran

Ender's Game (YA)--Orson Scott Card

Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child

The Connected Child--Purvis

The Scandal of the Evangelical Conscience--Ronald Sider

Kid's books I read with/for the kids not related to our curriculum:

The Borrowers--Norton

Owls in the Family--Mowat

Crispin--Avi

Snow Treasure--McSwigan

Total for the year: 39 read, plus the 4 more with the kids. 29 fiction, 10 non-fiction. Of the fiction 9 were YA. 

So the goals for the upcoming reading year: The entire Madeline L'Engle Wrinkle in Time Series (Five books--I got the box set as a gift for Christmas. They're beautiful.) Short Stories (I'm pretty sure I haven't read an adult short story in years). 

Have any suggestions? My book list is pretty short. I need some good titles. As you can see, I'm pretty eclectic and open to a bunch. So fire away, I'm eager to hear your favorites from 2013.