A Half-finished thought...

[Full Disclaimer: I started this post on Sunday. Then I put it aside to add pictures later. And now it's Tuesday night and there are still no pictures. If I want you to ever read it, it'll just have to be the words!]

It's gotten quite bad lately. The kids have started to chastise me when I loose track of a sentence.

"Mom, what were you saying?"

I whip my head back toward my original intention, pulling my attention away from the one who stole it in the first place.

A blank look crosses my face. "Uh....I forgot."

Or I start to sweep the junk off the floor under the table. I make a nice little pile. I go to find the dustpan when someone needs me or I get distracted or something happens. And I totally forget about the sweeping and the pile of dust and food crumbs waiting in the middle of the floor. Until some child (or I) step through it and spread it everywhere again.

And that seems to be the story of this past year.

It's been the year of unfinished thoughts, projects, intentions.

As I type, there are four Christmas gifts that I cannot finish while the receivers are out of bed.

Looking on my bedside table, there are a couple books that I started, but have never finished. Not because they aren't great, but I just didn't. (Honestly, the ones I haven't finished have all been non-fiction.)

At my feet in the office, is a stack of soon-to-be discarded rough drafts of my novel, which although received so well, has stalled (and died?) in the middle of a major revision.

Throughout the year, I've started diagnosis/medication paths for children, to have them go nowhere.

I've started life changing conversations, only to not be able to have the time to finish them well.

A box of half-addressed Christmas cards sits on the dining room counter. (Consider them New Year's best wishes.)

If there has been anything that has characterized this year, it is the un-finished-ness of it. The things I haven't been able to follow through on, the things I've started, but not yet completed.

I want to think that this is a phase, that there will come a time when everything is completed, where projects and thoughts and intentions are brought to fruition. But I don't think it's going to be for a while.

So the question i have, how do I live life well in the middle of this: life unfinished, rough cut, unedited? I'm sure there is wisdom and patience to be found even in the midst of these stops & starts.

I'll go look for it in just a minute....


[If you've gotten this far, then let me wish you the merriest of Christmases, full of the traditions and events that warm your heart, the quiet moments of reflection and pondering that refuel your soul, and a reminder that our greatest gift isn't wrapped under the tree--He was born in a stable. Blessings. -S]

A year of books--2013

It's a tradition now. 

For the second time in a row, I attempted to write down every book that I read throughout the year. 

I was more diligent in recording books, including the books I read to advance my professional life, my parenting life, and my faith life. 

I'm sure I still missed a few, but I think I did better this year than last. 

Before I give you my list, I want to point out this one thing: It's not up to my standards. I didn't read the quality or quantity that I wanted. So if you peruse this list and discover a bunch of cheap, easy or YA reads, it's because I needed escape this year, when I had the energy to read anything at all. I did start a bunch of more thoughtful books, but found that I didn't have the brain power for it. 

Enough excuses, here's the list. 

Sammy's year of books--2013

(YA books are Young Adult books--generally written for teenagers, however, many of the YA books have rather grown-up content)

(I have bolded the most memorable books. If you can, read them. However, they aren't all easy or nice. Some are rather disturbing. But memorable.)

Dovekeepers--Alice Hoffman

Room--Emma Donaghue

7--Jen Hatmaker

Life of Pi--Yann Martel (reread)

The Paris Wife--McClain

Home--Toni Morrison

Redeeming Love--Francine Rivers

The Girl who Fell from the Sky--Durrow

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows--Rawling

Gold--Chris Cleaves

Unconventional Lives--Kody Brown and wives

The Year of Magical Thinking--Joan Didion (okay, I started this, but it's the story of her grief after the sudden death of her husband and daughter's two near death experiences-I began to imagine I had cancer--time to put the book down)

A Reliable Wife--Robert Goolrick

Kisses from Katie--Katie Davis

Gregor the Overlander (YA)--Suzanne Collins

Half the Sky--Nichoilas D. Kristoff & Sheryl Wundunn

Wild--Cheryl Strayed

The In-Between World of Vikram Lall--M.G. Vassanji

Between Shades of Gray (YA)--Ruta Septys

Septimus Heap (YA)--Angie Sage

     -Magyk Bk 1

     -Flyte Bk 2

Admission--Jean Hanff Korelitz

The House Girl--Tara Conklin

The Widow of the South--Robert Hicks

The Divergent Series (YA)--Veronica Roth

     -Divergent

     -Insurgent

      -Allegiant

Self Editing for Fiction Writers--Renni Browne

Gone Girl--Gillian Flynn

Raising Dragons (YA)--Bryan Davis

Fly Away--Kristin Hannah

Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation--Michael Pollan

The Sun also Rises--Ernest Hemingway

The Fall of Five (YA)--Pittacus Lore

Nefertitti--Michele Moran

Ender's Game (YA)--Orson Scott Card

Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child

The Connected Child--Purvis

The Scandal of the Evangelical Conscience--Ronald Sider

Kid's books I read with/for the kids not related to our curriculum:

The Borrowers--Norton

Owls in the Family--Mowat

Crispin--Avi

Snow Treasure--McSwigan

Total for the year: 39 read, plus the 4 more with the kids. 29 fiction, 10 non-fiction. Of the fiction 9 were YA. 

So the goals for the upcoming reading year: The entire Madeline L'Engle Wrinkle in Time Series (Five books--I got the box set as a gift for Christmas. They're beautiful.) Short Stories (I'm pretty sure I haven't read an adult short story in years). 

Have any suggestions? My book list is pretty short. I need some good titles. As you can see, I'm pretty eclectic and open to a bunch. So fire away, I'm eager to hear your favorites from 2013. 

A Year in Review: 2012

Well, it's more like: all-the-books-that-Sammy-read-this-past-year. 

It's never been a secret: I'm a reader. 

For the first time ever, I wrote down every book that I read this year. 

And now I'm going list the books that I read this year. Putting this down in writing is a bit vulnerable because you get to see the great and the not-so-great books that I read this year. Some are embarrassing, some make me proud, all of them made me think (at least a little) this year (even if it is to say "that was a terrible piece of writing"). 

I know more at the end of 2012 because of the books I read. I wish I could tell you about the books that I loved or reviled the most or explain why I read the ones that I did. Some were simply easy to read or guilty pleasures. Others were comforts. Some were suggestions or book club books. Some had very hard/big words that I had to write down to look up later. 

(Because I can't tell you everything about every book, I am highlighting my favorites. If you like books and have some time: read them.) 

Leota's Garden--Francine Rivers
Inheritance Series by Christopher Paolini
     -Eragon
     -Eldest
     -Brisingr
     -Inheritance
Percy Jackson & The Olympians by Rick Riordan
     -The Lightening Thief
     -Sea of Monsters
     -The Titan's Curse
     -The Last Olympian
Body Ecology--Donna Gates
No Riding your Bicycle in the House without a Helmet by Melissa Faye Green
The Aedyn Chronicles by Alister McGrath
     -Chosen Ones
     -Flight of the Outcasts
The Mysterious Benedict Society
Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxes
Bossypants by Tina Fey
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
Unbroken by Laura Hillebrand
Born to Run 
20 & Counting by JimBob and Michelle Dagger
A Different Sky by Miera Chand
Celebration of Disciplines by Richard J Foster
In the Garden of Beasts by Eric Larson
A Searing Wind (#3 in Coming to America) by the Gears
Winter Garden by Kristen Hannah
Cinderella Ate my Daughter by Peggy Orenstein
Outlander by Diane Gabaldon (Okay, so I re-read this one It's a bit of a guilty pleasure)
Game of Thrones and Clash of Kings by George RR Martin
Winter of the World by Ken Follet
Power of Nine
The Maze Runner Trilogy by James Dashner
     -Maze Runner
     -The Scorch Trials
     -The Death Cure

The books that I read with the kids that were not related to school:
Little Pilgrims Progress by Helen Taylor
The Secret Garden by Francess Burnett Hodges
Wonderstruck by Selznick

The Books I started with every great intention but totally dropped were:
  John Adams by McCullough
  Courage Undaunted by Ambrose
  Les Miserables by Victor Hugo


Totals: 32 read, 3 more with the kids, 3 dropped.  23 Fiction, 9 Non-fiction. Not too shabby.

 I'm compiling my list for 2013. And I'd gladly take your suggestions! 

The ties that bind

I come from a small family. Just me, my parents and my brother. No living bio aunts or uncles. Only one set of grandparents.

I have long said that my 'family' is bigger than those born into it.

And this past weekend, I had the privilege of meeting family that was mine, in a roundabout way.

We tried to blend in at church--the only one who succeeded was
Eric who looked very much like part of the community. 

Years ago, I had an aunt (who was married, but never had children). She passed away when I was still a child. My uncle remarried--to a woman who had three daughters close to my age. For a while they lived in Florida near my grandparents. But after a time, they converted to a Mennonite lifestyle/belief system and moved to northern lower Michigan. About 4 years ago they moved to a community of like-believers in Indiana, just outside of Goshen.

My aunt passed away 24 years ago--that was the last time I saw my uncle.

Until last weekend.

This past weekend, all five of us took a road trip to meet my three step-cousins and aunt. And to visit with my uncle.

To be honest, I had to manufacture a reason to go meet them. It's a bit nerve wracking, after so many years to make yourself known, to open up your flaws and family to new people. Especially since my grandparents have treated the girls as granddaughters for many years. I was nervous I wouldn't be good enough for their social standards.

But that was just silliness.

Me and Allie, Tammy, and Jacquie

We spent the night at the oldest two sister's lovely home. They welcomed us, accommodated our food needs, provided mounds of beautiful handmade quilts to burrow under. We stayed up late into the night trading family histories and current concerns.

We shared meals at my aunt and uncle's house and at my other step-cousin and her family's farm. We worshipped together. We recognized that while we practice our faiths differently, we share similar beliefs.

And they are beautiful women. Faithful women. Women I am proud to call family.

My kids with Caroline, Jacquie's daughter

Oh and the reason that we went to visit? They run a business that does long-arm quilting. And as a gift to our adoption, they quilted an applique top that I had put together to honor, remember, and have a tangible reminder of the people that God has used to encourage us on our adoption journey. It is such a gift to be able to hold that quilt again. And they did wonderfully beautiful work on it.




I proud to say they are a part of my family, because family is bigger than the people who share blood ties. Family is as big as God's love is wide.

The beautiful part is that kids are kids everywhere you go!
And they can have fun anywhere, even when playing in a pig sty.

Because you can worship anywhere. . .

I can't dance.

It's sad, but true.

In fact, I've never had the chance to dance. Well, sorta. The conservative school I attended forbid dancing (we got to sit through banquets), I didn't go to concerts, I've never been to a club. And at all the weddings and functions I've attended in my adult life, well, there are always VERY interesting people to talk to!

This is not to say that I don't want to dance. I do! In fact, I have a hard time not responding to music. I think I look a little (or a lot) silly sometimes. For example, when I dropped the kids off at gymnastics this afternoon, there was some music on. And it was fun music. And I pretended to dance to it. And someone commented that it was "nice." And I promptly stopped all pretend dancing.

Honestly, I am moved by music. But by now, I feel I'm too old to dance without looking like an idiot. So I will keep my sweet moves in my head. Unless I am with a group of children who love it when people look silly--then I am in my perfect element.

However, I am becoming more convinced and ready for Heaven in this one way. There, at the foot of the throne of my King, I will be able to throw off the constraints of this world and dance for Him!

What in the world would inspire this?

This weekend, my daughters participated in their annual ballet recital. They dance in the little kid's programs at Hearts in Step Dance. And HIS is unabashedly and unashamedly Christian in its focus and practice. So this weekend, I was invited to dance in the presence of my King. I watched as girls (and one brave boy) danced for Jesus. Some laid their crowns before him, others lifted their arms in praise, a few just stood there and stared into the crowd. It was so sweet and pure. It was a holy time.

In that auditorium, I watched as Olivia danced the proclamation that:

"I am a true princess, a daughter of the King,
I have a royal Purpose, 'cause Jesus is my everything."

I watched Katie and her small class dance to the song Blessings. Their teacher told them that their dance to Blessings was so that they could be a blessing to someone. And these girls took that to heart.

And every year, the program ends with "The Revelation Song" and a stage full of dancers in dresses the color of the rainbow. And the words echoed by the movement transport me to the throne room of God where we will all, one day, proclaim

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty
Who was and is and is to come.
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings,
You are my everything
And I will adore you!"

As unexpected as it is, almost every time, I am transported beyond that auditorium, pricked by the presence of the Holy Spirit, and worship. It is a sweet, Holy time.

And my girls are pretty great too!

Whatcha Reading?

I was looking around for something to read the other night and realized that I have many books with bookmarks in that I am currently in process of reading. And because I feel that if I am to share who I am on this blog, I should share what I am reading. 


This morning I made a count of those books that I am actively in the process of reading. That means these are books that I pick up in the morning, during a coffee break, in the bathroom, for devotional reading, for learning, or for whenever. Truly, I don't think I have to create an excuse to read books, just create time for it. 


So here's the books I have actively read in the past week

• Flunking Sainthood by Jana Fleiss (a lighthearted read about how hard it is to follow certain age-old spiritual practices)
• Lyrics Alley by Leila Aboulela (a book I picked up at the Festival of Faith and Writing. I like it, but can't articulate why, yet)
• Celebration of Disciple by Richard J Foster (This is one of those books that I have tried and tried and tried to read before but to no avail. I'm pretty sure God had to wait until this time in my life for me to even desire a life like Foster lays out. Wonderfully written, practical, and accessible--I am being moved and changed by the challenge of these words).
• The Mormon Mirage by LaTayne C. Scott (if you know much aout me, you'll know that I am fascinated by Mormon history and theology. I have been given an excuse to dive right it--and I have enjoyed re-learning! With this book, I truly appreciate the love and respect that she offers her handling of Mormon history and Doctrine.)
• The Soul Tells a Story by Venita Hampton Wright (This is my: why-is-my-writing-life-tied-to-my-spiritual-formation-and-what-do-I-need-to-do-to-grow-in-that-area book.)
• Crazy Love by Francis Chan (Hey, I got a free download of this book. And I respect Francis Chan. Only one chapter in, but I'm ready!)
• Elements of Style by Strunk & White (everyone needs to brush up on their grammatical rules. I use this book to do so. However, as I was reading a chapter last night I realized that I had no idea what the authors were talking about. Oh well.)
• and today I started reading The Girls who Went Away by Ann Fessler (This is a non-fiction book about what is called the Baby Scoop Era in the Us from the end of WWII until the passing of Roe v Wade where young women who became pregnant out of wedlock were essentially forced to hand their newborns over for adoption. Heartbreaking. Eye-Opening.)

This list does not include the books I am in the middle of with the kids (The Hobbit and The Secret Garden), nor the books on my bedside table or book basket that I have started and set down (Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxes [which only have one chapter left so it is inexcusable] and Don Quixote [which is truly hilarious] by Miguel DeCervantes) nor the many that are on the mental list of things I want to read. 


So what do you think should be next on my list? I'm open to suggestions


P.S. Half the Sky is already on the Nook waiting for me. 

On Purpose Thankfulness

Today is one of those days: where I am tired and whiny in both my private thoughts and speech. It's annoying to others and to me. So I am trying very hard to be thankful, knowing that sometimes my true attitude follows the actions of my mouth. With that in mind, I am listing the things that I have noticed this morning that have given me a moment of beauty, thankfulness, and have been a reminder of God's great grace for me. .

• Kids laughing together on the trampoline.
• The lilacs that are in bloom. I love lilacs!
• The clothes hanging on the line and that I had *almost* enough clothespins to hang them all.
• The realization that I have more pictures of myself as a young child than I had previously thought. 
• Eric made it to the bus on time. 
• A day warm enough to wear shorts.
• The promise of a meal that I don't have to cook in the company of good friends tonight. 
• A second cup of coffee fixed just the way I like it.
• A committee I have been on for the past two years completed its task last night!
• I successfully re-purposed an ugly old wreath into a front door decoration that makes me smile every time I look at it. 

I'm going to hold onto these. If I add any more to the list, I will be doing it just to add more to the its or because I feel I should (you know, I should list my thankfulness for healthy kids, a great job for Eric, a home for us to live in and food to eat, all of which often go without saying). 


And to temporarily remedy the whiny, I'm going to go cut some of those blooming lilacs for my dining room. 

It's Good for the Soul

They say that confession is good for the soul. So, for the sake of cleansing my soul, I hearby make my confession.

For the past 12 years, I have used Eric's job as the reason for my inability to keep a clean house. And now, at 35, I have realized that really, I'm just not a good housekeeper.

What brings on this confession? Eric started his new job today which promises to give us a more regular schedule and a more stable and predictable home life. I have long used his unpredictable and ever-changing hours as an excuse for my less-than-perfect housekeeping skills. His job left us both drained from other responsibilities so there wasn't ever the extra energy that was needed to complete basic household tasks, you know, like putting away the laundry. Goodness, there wasn't even a hope that I might mop a floor or clean the bathroom.

But over the past three weeks, Eric has been between jobs. We've had no real stress on our plate and you know what, my house still isn't clean. There are still piles on the floor and counters and the laundry still needs to be put away.

I make this confession because thinking about how our life and family is changing has produced in me a great deal of paranoia and soul-searching. With Eric taking a job that has regular hours, I've felt a bit of the pressure that suddenly, I need to be the perfect housewife that complements that. And according to the cultural upbringing and other things I have heard, this means that the house needs to be perfectly clean, dinner on the table, and me "freshened" for the moment that Eric walks in the door.

Isn't it amazing how cultural stereotypes that may not even be applicable anymore still have an ability to haunt us? There are so many other things that do not bother me that I am surprised by how hampered I am by this.

All joking aside, I am actually a bit troubled by this one thing about me, as if my validity and effectiveness as a mother, wife, and housekeeper are hinged on this one thing. Which they are not.

Regardless, today is a big day in our house! A new job! A new beginning! A chance for us to increase our communication skills! A chance to practice grace as we adjust to this new way of living!

But, shoot, I just looked at the clock. Eric's going to be home in a few minutes . . .and I have to clean the house, make a gourmet dinner, freshen my make-up (when do I ever wear make-up?) Oh well, at least I could get off the computer and pretend to do something useful. Maybe fold a basket of laundry!

Peace.

All About Me

So this weekend, I turned 35. Can you believe it? I can't, but in honor of this blessed occasion (cough, cough), I thought I would post 35 things about me. Well, at least I hope I can come up with 35.

1) I know two stories about my birth. First, my parents really want to have me and
2) My Dad fainted in the room before I was born.
3) Samantha means "listener."
4) I was born in Arizona.
5) When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a newspaper editor, to earn my PhD, and win a Pulitzer for best novel. (Ha!)
6) I am a better athlete now than I was in high school (or at least I don't care as much as I did then and slow is better than nothing!).
7) Yep, I color the gray hairs on the top of my head.
8) My life passage is Psalm 139. I read it and cling to it in good times and bad times.
9) I met the man I married when I was 16 years old on a mission trip in Ensenada, Mexico.
10) I was 18 when I knew I was going to marry him (it took a little bit longer to convince him!)
11) I am not a good housekeeper.
12) I always knew I wanted to get married, I didn't want to be a mother.
13) I love to jump on the trampoline (don't tell my kids!)
14) 9 times out of 10 I will choose a bike ride to a run.
15) I am an avid reader.
16) I fancy myself a writer.
17) I am actually about 15,000 words into a novel.
18) I may have grown up in Utah, but I was never a Mormon. (by the way, as long as I can remember, there have been paved roads and running water in Utah)
19) I am an introvert, barely.
20) I love to create: whether by sewing, writing, making, cooking. I take great joy in the process of creating.
21) One of my favorite things about God is that he is a Great Creator.
22) My favorite name of God is El Roi, the God who sees, because he always knows me and my struggles, even when I can't give voice to them.
23) The greatest compliment I ever received was when, as a high schooler, my Dad told me that I reminded him of his sister, my Aunt Kathy, who died much to early at 36 of breast cancer.
24) I despise laundry.
25) I am exceedingly proud of the fact that I completed a marathon. In 5 hours, 12 minutes, and 20 seconds, but who is counting?
26) Sometimes, I am irrationally anxious.
27) Over the years, I have really learned to enjoy a good glass of wine. It makes a night complete or it redeems an otherwise bad day.
28) I am thankful beyond measure for the life that I get to lead.
29) I am really awkward at meeting new people and shy in those kinds of situations.
30) I really, really, really like thinking about, creating, and eating fantastic food. However, you might not think it's so fantastic because some of it's kinda weird.
31) I have worked very hard in the past two years to regain good health in my body. Consequently, I will probably be gluten free for the rest of my life.
32) Three of the greatest things I have ever had a hand in creating are my children: Josh, Katie, and Olivia.
33) Two more blessings are waiting for me. And I am waiting for them.
34) I do not deserve the love and companionship I receive from Eric. He is truly a gift to me.
35) I am a Daughter of God, my King, I have been redeemed from my sin by the death of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I am constantly being molded more into likeness of God by the Holy Spirit. This is who I am.

Now that I am at the end, I've thought of more to tell you, but I'm out of numbers. I guess you'll just have to wait until next year when I give you 36!

It's just me

Maybe there is no one else who feels this way. . .

But this weekend, Eric and I traveled to the other side of the state for his Winter work party. It's a pretty fancy shin-dig with pretty decent food (they cooked a fresh GF meal for me!), live entertainment, an open bar, and fantastic door prizes.

This year's party was 1920's themed. On the invitation, they requested 1920's costumes or formal attire.

Now i really love a chance to get dressed up. It's fun to put on fancy clothes and have a night with my husband away from the kids. To have adult conversations and adult food. But as you might imagine, in my life there isn't much need for fancy clothes, so I don't have too many formal dresses just sitting around at my disposal. Shocking, I know.

And my daughter and I were just at a museum exhibition on the late Princess Diana--where they showcased some of her beautiful (and in some cases, especially dated) formal wear.

It made me long to have something new and beautiful to wear to this party. You know, a great little black dress that was flirty and fun and sexy and beautiful. Or a shocking red one or a beautiful blue one. Two nights ago, I spent way too much time searching on-line, hoping to find the perfect dress in my size for $20 or less. I didn't find it.

So when searching in my closet, I had two appropriate dresses, neither of which are especially fancy or rich-looking. I choose the one I loved the most: a simple, vintage 1920's black silk dress I have had since before I had kids. We purchased it off ebay for a murder mystery we were part of. So, I grabbed that dress, my only pair of black heels, and 1920's felt hat. I honestly hoped that I wouldn't look completely out of place amidst the fanciness I was expecting.

Fast forward: leave the kids with Y, drive across the state, step into the elevator to head down to the party. We share the elevator with two couples who are all dressed in period costumes. The women are wearing flapper dresses with long pearls and feathers in their hair. I am beginning to feel stupid in my not-very-fancy dress. We get to the party and see many women wearing versions of the same things: black, white, red flapper dresses, lots of pearls and feathers. And lots of other beautiful dresses on beautiful women. But then I start getting comments on my dress and my hat, how they are obviously vintage & authentic, how I am the only one who could pull off the hat, how great Eric and I look together.

Later as I thought more about it, the dress was a perfect choice. Because then I was who I am to all these people I wanted to put a show on to, because I was real, I was authentic, too. Because I was simply who I am and that felt good; without a fancy costume or feathers or a sexy little black dress.

Even at my age, I find that it is still way too easy to fall into the "what-if-they-don't-like-me" trap or trying to be who others want me to be, instead of who God has created me to be.

And last night, I found great reward in being just who I am.

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving and my heart is so full. I am so blessed. So I thought that tonight I would share a simple 10 things I am thankful for.  And these aren't in any order.

1) My health. I ate a fantastic dinner tonight. And it was good and healing for me.
2) My sweet husband. He works so hard for our family. He loves me in spite of me. I am thankful God gave me Eric.
3) My three beautiful, creative, energetic, talkative, curious, and intelligent children.
4) I have a warm bed to sleep in, a home to live in, clothes to wear, and food to eat. These things alone are an incredible blessing.
5) My friends. I spent tonight with dear friends whom I treasure. And there are many more who surround me with their love and support.
6) My family--both by blood and by marriage. I love them all.
7) That I have the privilege to homeschool my kids. It is fun to spend this time with them.
8) Eric's job. Yeah, it's sometimes horribly inconvenient and difficult. But it is a blessing to have reliable work that provides for our family. And he's really good at it.
9) The gifts God has given me to be creative: writing, preparing fantastic food, sewing, creating. It is fun to use my brain and create things.
10) My God: He loves me so much he sent his precious Son to die for my sins. Wow! I am amazed. And he shows me his deep love in the world he created, the gifts he has given me, and how he grows me.

A Health & Food Update

Tonight as I was browsing the cookbooks at Schulers, I realized that earlier in the summer I posted a great deal about how I was struggling with my adjusted food choices, but have never really explained what has happened since or how I have faired since then.

I must say, I feel great! Eliminating Gluten from my diet has eliminated every single problem that I went to the doctor for. The constant tiredness, inability to handle stress, constant bloatedness, inability to focus or think, monthly moodiness and anxiety--all of it, gone! And that is really great. And since I cut dairy, my skin has improved, as have my digestive function and occasional sinus issues. Really, except for the fact that I need to make myself go on a run, I haven't felt this good in a really long time (or at least since I can remember).

I had a bit of a set back when for a couple weeks in early fall I ate a bit too much dairy (almost every day ACK!). But I recognized it for what it was, remedied it, and have moved on.

Other than the physical healing, there have been both blessings and struggles. Struggles: Well, it's hard to eat out and so I bear a lot of the burden of creating food that is healthful and nourishing, but on the flip side, we have discovered some great local restaurants that offer GF options. I miss dairy--specifically cheese and creamy things. This new lifestyle is a bit expensive (GF/CF bread is $5 a loaf--Yikes!) Learning a new method of looking at, planning, and preparing food is time consuming and out of my comfort zone. I don't like failing in the kitchen. However these struggles are not nearly as big as the blessings.

God has shown me, beyond measure, that he has good things planned for me, my health, my family, and my life. Food is a gift and He has allowed it to be used to heal my body. Eric has also made some changes and experienced better bodily health too. I have been provided for. I have been incredibly blessed by my family and friends. I have been surrounded by encouragement and gifts of love, food, ideas, and recipes. Most of those gifts came at my low points when I was struggling. I am so grateful.

This new lifestyle has given me a number of opportunities to have conversations about health with people that otherwise I wouldn't. I wish I had more time to plan for and use new recipes and menus, but such is life.

I am blessed beyond measure. I guess I wanted you to know that.

A New Year on the horizon

Wow! Another month has passed and we are at the edge of a new year, new decade. This has been a sweet month of celebrations with family and friends, both near and far. Isn't that what Christmas is? A month of celebrations. For me, it culminated in our Christmas Eve birthday party for Jesus and a small candle service to show each of us how Christ's light shines in us and then lights up the world. It was powerful to watch my kids catch on!

But now as we turn the page on a new year, I am full of thoughts on what we have just encountered and what is yet to come. On Sunday, as we looked through the paper together, I had to explain to J the number one event of this decade, 9/11. It was remarkable to notice that his world is colored by an event that he wasn't here for and he will never know a world without the implications of that attack or the wars that followed. In fact, many of the top events of this decade were negative events and sometimes its hard to open a child's eyes to sin and suffering.

However, this life we live now is sweet and full of promise--the promise that comes from newly acquired skills, budding talents and dreams, and the sound of a toddler's contagious giggle. Reflecting on this past year, I have the following observations (i wanted to be cool and come up with a Letterman-like top 10, but I don't have that much time to plan)

1) I can do just about anything! Proof positive: I ran a marathon (oh yeah, next year in under 5 hours!)
2) Praise Jesus I am simply called to love (and not condemn) the broken people around me, because I am broken just like them.
3) I am rather undisciplined, but I'm working on it.
4) Marriage is pretty tough stuff, but when you are committed to your sweet husband, and he to you, you do the hard work!
5) Homeschooling is not for the faint of heart, yet I am becomming convinced that it is worth every moment of agonizingly painful hard work.
6) Somewhere in my soul, a crafty person is lurking, waiting for the moment to break free and create stuff.
7) Friends alway seem to come at just the right time with just the right word of encouragment. Thanks, friends.
8) My God, my Lord, my Saviour, my friend. It is good to be His.

May your 2010 be full of love and blessing, just as your 2009 was.

Ponder this awhile

So I have come to the conclusion that since having kids I have lost the ability to think, but only recently have I missed it. Confused? Let me explain. . .

Once upon a time I was a person who thought a lot about a lot of cool and (I felt) meaningful things. I had opinions and thoughts to offer to a conversation and surprisingly, some people wanted to hear what I had to say.

Life has changed since then. I went from working in a ministry that was impacting the lives of many middle schoolers to working in a home impacting the lives of three precious gifts. Rarely do they ever ask me for a deep thought or a bit of a sermon on how Christ would handle unruly parents or relationship troubles. We're in more of the "Sit-down-and-listen-to-what-I-say-and-respond-appropriately-the-first-time" mode, along with "if-you-keep-saying words-like-that-you-may-get-to-eat-soap-for-dinner." (Don't worry, no soap has been eaten by anyone yet!) And honestly, I rarely feel like I have much of value to add to many conversations. People stop to talk and I have little to say and often I feel as if I am only bringing up the negative in my life instead of all the wonderful postive things that I am blessed with.

And then today it hit me at our church camp-out--while our Pastor was asking for observations about the weekend we had spent out in nature--that I didn't have anything to add. And that stung a little. Sure, I could have added something cute about my kids and how we discovered a spider wrapping its catch on a spider web. But honestly, I had nothing that would impart God's wisdom to another person (or so I thought). And while the time in my life where I need to be the center of attention has passed, I still know that I need to have creative thought about things that aren't necessarily related to kids and child rearing and homeschooling and keeping a home.

I want to think again. I think I am getting there. Just recently I had the whisper of a thought about God and lions and Aslan and majesty. And I tried to capture it, but it vanished. But I am pretty sure that before long, it will come back. And this time, I will be ready to catch it!

Just Coincidence?

I don't think so!

Today I was at Schuler's browsing the discount section and what should I come across but this:
for the bargain basement price of $4.99. A quick glance inside found that she is an Amazon goddess and seeks to overcome war with love. Lots of Greek mythology.

Hmmmm

Was it simply a coincidence or a slightly deeper message?

Can't I Be Wonder Woman? Just for the day?

That's what I want to know--please, just for the day, make me the kind of woman who really can do everything--clean the house, take care of the garden, play and engage the kids in ways that encourage them, prepare fantastic food that everyone loves, love on my husband, take the needed time to be still before my Creator, build relationships with other people, learn a few new things, do a hobby or craft that encourages me and perhaps even relax a little. That's all I'm asking!

Oh, and I'd like to have enough patience to not yell at the kids for an entire day.

Am I asking too much? Of course I am.

I am on my way though, I can know things that I don't even see--like, J has just slammed the door to keep OG out of the room or is sneaking some food. (There are some talents that just come with being a mom--like the whole eyes in the back of the head. Yep, I've got them!)

And then, even though I know that I am asking too much, I still feel guilty about all the things that I never accomplish in a say, let alone a week.

But then I stop and think truly about this request and I realize that really I don't want to be Wonder Woman, I don't look that good those boots and don't have piercing blue eyes. So I guess that I will settle for being me--fuzzy, gray flyaways, semi clean clothes, house littered with books and dust bunnies--and full of God's grace and love.