The Weight of Waiting

I'm sure that sometime in my almost 35 years of living, I gave a pithy remark to someone who was waiting for something. Maybe they were waiting to find out the result of a medical test or waiting for the announcement of a child for their family or waiting for a loved one to come home. And I said something well-meaning like, " Oh, don't worry, it'll happen soon enough," or thinking "why are you worried, it'll all work out as God planned."

If ever I uttered or thought those words in your general direction, I sincerely apologize.

While I believe firmly in Christ's admonition not to worry, that God has all our yesterdays, todays and tomorrows firmly in his grasp, and I try to live within that, I had yet to experience the weight of waiting.

And it feels like I am walking through waist-deep water wearing a lead-lined cloak. It is hard, it is heavy, and there is little relief.

There is so much waiting going on in our family right now. Two big ones, in fact. One is the exciting and family changing news that E got a new job. We have been blessed with his past 12 years at Gift of Life. That job has shaped how we view the world, how we live, and how we shape our family. Many, many wonderful decisions and relationships have been made as a result of this job. E has done phenomenal work. He has touched families in their darkest moments and brought them the slightest glimmer of hope in the dark of grief. I am more proud of him than I can adequately use words to describe. But this work is hard on a family. At an age where kids understand that "Daddy can't come because he has to work," even if it is noble work, it is difficult.

So God put into our laps, at a time when we weren't really looking, a job that is near to our home (within bicycle distance), with regular hours (how does 8-4:30, M-Fri sound to you--to me it sounds FABULOUS!), with much less call time, and is a perfect fit for E's skills! You know what that sounds like? God's infinite and loving provision for our family.

But now, we are waiting. Waiting for time at GoL to come to a close, waiting for a new job to start. Waiting.

And I think that this waiting would be bearable if our other waiting wasn't so heavy. Our lead-lined cloak is two beautiful, precious kids whose parents can no longer care for them due to AIDS, poverty, or both. And we have no idea what their faces look like, when we might even possible know what their names are, or when they come home to us. This is the waiting that is heavy.

These past weeks that cloak has been heavy on our shoulders. We have seen the beautiful faces of abandoned children waiting for a home. We have heard the statistics again. In a country of 1.9 million there are 359,000 orphans. We have been reminded that truly following Christ is to "care for the least of these."

Although our cloak is heavy, I take comfort in the fact that my current family is beautiful. I am so proud of the glimpses of God that I see in my kids that it makes me cry. I overheard the girls singing "Jesus Loves Me" as they put their dolls to sleep. I am infinitely proud of the growth I see in their anger management, their accountability, their love of God. Everyday they bring me joy. In this time of waiting, my marriage relationship has changed in ways that I never imagined possible. God is using our waiting to show us what a great gift we already have. And to teach us many things at a time when we are open to learn.

But still the waiting weighs heavy on us, and we are anxious to end our waiting time. If I was totally honest with you, I would admit that this is the first doubt I have felt in my life. Not that God isn't good or that He doesn't have a wonderful plan for my life, but that this just is not going to happen.

So I balance the joy and the mundane of my days with the weight of my cloak. Don't worry about me, because I'm not worried. But if you don't mind a prayer on our behalf, it would be greatly appreciated!