Yep, I think that's a fair way to describe whats happening right now. I'm simply struggling.
I am profoundly touched and grateful for the many of you who have given me support in a number of ways. It is so wonderful to know that I am thought of and cared for.
One brief comment on all this: this s%6ks. I am "detoxing" right now and feel crappy. For going on, about two weeks. I am ready to feel good. But I don't. The fact that I feel this bad is a clear signal that gluten is an issue for me, but the question I ask myself is "Is this crappy worse than my other crappy? Is this worth it?" Those are the questions of the person in the middle of it.
One philosophical discussion I have been having with myself is this: God created wheat--it is a gift of life he gave humanity at the beginning of creation. There has always been a form of wheat. Peoples have always combined it with water and salt and yeast to make bread. This is a staple of life. Now, our culture is so inundated with elements of that wheat, that gift, that my body is rejecting it and it makes me unwell. What have we done with the created gifts God gave us? What have we done to our food? I, for one, have been repenting for this, because even if I am not directly guilty of the sin of greed that has distorted our food and food chain, I have not been part of the solution.
My other major struggle is this: I now have a Modern & Western Affliction. Yep--although the incidences of gluten intolerance are rising all over the world, it is predominantly an affliction found in Western Europe and North America. And it was completely unheard of 30 years ago. When I told my Dad, he had never heard of it before. Although I have tried to live a life that is not marked by Western diet, I have succumbed to one of its diseases.
Where does this leave me? Thinking a lot about food, about what I put into my body, what goes into my kids. And figuring out a way to live with grace and dignity, even when I feel crappy.