As I walk more fully into this life that is homeschooling, I am becomming more aware of who I am, how I operate and even what I expect from the world around me. I am thankful for this opportunity for introspection that has me pondering parts of me that previously I had not thought needed to be changed.
For instance, I am now fully aware that I am not supermom and now, more than ever, I do not want to be supermom. I want to be a good mom, maybe even a great mom for the kids that I have--and that definitely doesn't conform to the supermom image. And that's okay with me--for pete's sake, this afternoon, my kids decided to fly on their "airplane" to Indonesia and take all their belongings with them. So they packed up all their clothes into my fabric grocery bags, boarded the couch and flew away. The house was absolute choas and disasterous. I am not supermom.
I also get the opportunity to take my lack of discipline and organization and change it--not just hide it away or spiffy it up a bit, but honestly change. For us to be a successful homeschool family, this is something I feel I have to do. And I don't mind. It's fun to be challenged, even if it is really hard to do.
But I am becomming more and more aware of the things that I am giving up to homeschool my kids. (Don't worry, I don't need to be convinced about the good we will gain, I'm just being real.) These past couple weeks have been exhausting. OG, our littlest who just turned two, hasn't slept through the night for a few weeks. I was, am, and is tired. The other week, when J & K were at preschool and OG was napping, I could take a nap too. It was sorely needed and quite refreshing. I realize that as part of the decision to homeschool comes the loss of those kind of times. Sure, I will hopefully be able to institute quiet times and "breaks" for myself in the day, but it isn't the same as time in a home without the immediate needs of kids to fulfill. Also, I am learning that I have to reevaluate what "me-time" is and learn how to savor what I get. Friends of mine whose kids are all school age are able to go back to school, work out, engage in their favorite activites, as well as keep a clean house. Those realities make me a bit envious--I was secretly looking forward to the time when I had hours each day for my self. But if I am also completely honest, I was dreading that time too!
Ultimately, I know that sometimes to be a better person, to be more of who God calls us to be, we need to sacrifice our own desires, yet not become a martyr. And while this might be a painful, exhausting, and draining time, I fully believe that the outcome is worth the price. Truly.